The Shadow Man and my dreams.

My sweat is streaming from my brow. Nothing is hot to the touch but heat oozes from everything around me as I run. I wizz by fuzzy buildings, cars and every manner of thing that you would find in a typical city. I am running again, from The Shadow Man. He is a terrifying figure that chases me without ceasing trying to desperately to catch me; to what I do not know.

Nightmares and the shadow.

Beep beep beep! Uh…’s 2:00 am……again. I got to buy a new alarm clock. Either this one is fucked up or someone is sneaking into my room and changing the settings on my alarm just to mess with me, I am going to go with the former. This has happened for the past five nights. No worries, I will just buy a new one after work to today.

After a few of hours of trying to go back to sleep I give up and start getting ready for work. On the way to my brush teeth my shadow does something weird. It moved in a weird way. This is not the first time this has happened; every since being chased in my dreams by the shadowy figure and waking at 2:00am it’s been regular occurrence. Although it is very strange and kind of unsettling; I have just chalked this up to being delirious because sleep has been hard to come by as of late.

My soul crushing job.

Everyday I walk to work, my job is not that far away. On the way to work my mind usually wonders and I like to let it. I think about things like how I would love to quit my job and pursue my real passion. However, like most people I have no idea what that is because I have been to scared to try new things. I work in an office, it is miserable. Every second of every day I feel like there is a tiny gnome sitting on my neck (shit, there it goes again my shadow does something crazy) slowing sawing my head off with a tiny serrated knife covered in blood from all the other mindless drones whom he has claimed.

Tiny gnome with a knife.

While at work I try to keep myself busy by talking to people, completing tasks and doing extra things just to make the day go by faster. There is a new highlight throughout my days recently which is, talking to the new girl. She has been there for a couple days, I think there is something there. Got to be careful nowadays though, with all the #metoo bullshit going around. My boss was accused by a co-worker of sexual harassment. She was a bitch. When it went down, I could totally see her making it all up. Turns out it was was a complete farce, everyone found this out after my boss lost his job and his wife demanded he moved out. Obviously, his wife wasn’t mad at him anymore. We will see if he gets his job back.

The love interest.

Her name was Kim. She was really hot. I do not know if this is just lust or something more but it sure is exciting. You know that feeling when you get when you are around someone that you are really attracted to? It gives you energy! In life, energy is a necessity. For now am just going to play cool and just try and bang her. Girls don’t want to hear right out of the gate that you are madly in love with them. It gives them all the power and it makes you look weak. Women hate weakness above all things.

Ok, I am doing good on time. I am going to go talk to her. She is at the other end of this huge open room that I work in, so I got pretend like there is a reason I am going over there besides just to mingle with her. Think…think…I know, I got some work to bring to my boss. His office is close to her desk. I head on over and drop the packet on my bosses desk. On the way back to my desk I take a slightly different route and end up walking right by her. Shit! I am so fucking clever. This is how I give myself pep talks. Trust me it works.

She seems coming but I don’t notice. I am to busy looking at her amazing legs. When our eyes finally meet she gives me this wry smile. Crap! she caught me looking. Ah well, that’s ok. I am pretty sure her smile was suggesting, yah I caught you looking mother fucker but I like it. Every time I talk to her the sexual tension is palpable. Every word is steeped in the anticipation of hot sex. It doesn’t really matter what we are talking about it all boils down to five words. I want to fuck you. You can replace every sentence we say to each with those five words. This conversation is a little different though.

Things get weird.

She keeps on looking down and to my left. Is she avoiding eye contact with me? I can’t tell what is going on but she is definitely a little freaked out. I can tell she really wants to end the conversation. So I walk away feeling dejected wondering what just happened. I sit down at my desk. Why was she acting so strangely? Could someone have told that I have a thing for her? Is she going to accuse of some #metoo bullshit? So many questions. Think…think…ok. She was looking down and to my left. She kind of looked scared. I mean, I could see the fear in her eyes. Wait a second…no way…could she have seen my shadow do something strange. But wait, this is all in my mind. It’s got to be. My shadow does not have a mind of it’s own. It does not have agency. It has to do what I do.

The shadow.

The shadow reveals itself.

Just then, I see my shadow move without me moving. It raises it’s arms as if it is trying to strangle me. I can tell someone is looking. My co-worker sitting next to me asks “Hey man, how are doing that with your shadow? What the hell is going on?” Without saying a word I get up from my desk and start running towards the exit. I can’t get out of my job fast enough. I am making a b line towards my shrink. Fuck calling her, I need help now. As soon as I get out of the building, I request an Uber. The app says it will be here in 5 minutes, dammit! Every second waiting for the Uber was excruciating. I have to find out what is going with me, normal people do not have their shadow just do random weird shit out of the blue.

The Uber is here, my driver greets me by offering me candy and something to drink. I decline. He tries then to engage me in conversation. My one word answers thwart his effort and silence ensues. It takes twenty five minutes to get to my shrinks office usually, I just hope that there is no traffic. I love that song by Depeche Mode called Enjoy the Silence, literally one of my favorite songs. I am trying my best to do just that given everything that is happening. My anxiety is at a ten, I feel myself fracturing. So much so that I might pop. Popping is a euphemism that I use for psychotic break from reality. Kind of like what happens to Neo in the matrix. I am calm….I am calm… I am calm. I must have said this a thousand times on the way to my head doctor.

The good doctor.

Finally here. I rush into her office wildly. No receptionist, is she not here? I hear voices beyond the door to my psychologists office. That’s a relief! I barged into here office while at the same time yelling. “I needed help right now” I cried. She was with a patient; I startled both of them so much they jumped out of their chairs. Her receptionist came out of nowhere and tried to usher me back into the foyer. I resisted for a moment but my better judgement took hold and I relinquished. I followed the receptionist to the waiting room. Then she said in a very clear and calming tone “relax….what is the matter?”

I told her about my lack of sleep and the shadow man in my dreams. I explained how my shadow was moving on it’s own. Also, how my co-worker and Kim both saw my shadow move. Her face remained calm and she was listening intently without judgement. Which made me begin to relax. Ok. Ok. This is good. Relaxing more. We sat there talking more about what has been going on in my life. While waiting for my doc to finish with her other patient. By the time my doctor was finished, I had fully calmed down and all the anxiety had passed.

Conversing the shadow.

Dr. Lang opened the door to her office very slowly and led her previous patient out of the building with great care. As she passed me, she gave me a bright smile. The patient did not even acknowledge me as he passed. Very understandable, I either scared the shit out of him or he thinks I am nut case. I think both are true. Once the patient had left, she escorted me into her room. She sat me down and said “Ok, Jim what is bothering you?….Jim…. ….Jim….Jim!” Oh, shit that is my name. Must have spaced out for a second there. I made eye contact with her. Then she sayd again “What’s bothering you?”

I start in: I tell her about my lack of sleep, the shadow man chasing me in my dreams and how he is coming alive in real life. She gives me a confused look. I can tell she is not understanding exactly what I am saying. So, I tell her how my co-worker saw my shadow move and attempt to strangle me at work. I explained to her that I could not feel any physical sensation of being strangled but it definitely had it’s hands around my neck. “Are you sure that your co-worker saw this?” she asked. Before I could say anything she said “You know, you said that you have not been getting much sleep lately and you were dreaming about this shadow guy. Maybe you are just imagining things? Could this be a possibility?” “I…I…don’t think so, it was so real.” I stammered. Before I could go any further she asked “Jim have you heard of the Psychological concept of the shadow?” “No” I said in a very flat tone.

Explaining the shadow.

Jung and the shadow.

“The shadow is a concept that Carl Jung popularized. It refers to all the sides of your personality that you have pushed away. The dark parts, the parts that you do not want anyone to see. It could be aspect of you in the past that did something wrong that is not given space to be alive because a you have pushed it way. The longer this side of you is intentionally forgotten the darker and more malevolent it becomes.” I am sitting on the edge of my seat and listening intently. She continues “Maybe there are things within your personality that you are not giving space to, maybe you need to let your whole self live.” I am starting to feel a lot better, like I am not in a horror movie anymore. After a little bit more talking we schedule an appointment for a couple days later. I step out of her office feeling refreshed. I request an uber to go home. As I am waiting for the uber my shadow laughs inaudibly in a maniacal way behind me, but I don’t see it. I get in the uber and go home.

The ending part 1.

Read another piece about the transgender agenda.

Carl Jung talking and the shadow.

The Shadow Man and my dreams.

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